Sunday, July 10, 2005

Three Weddings and a Funeral

Three weddings happened this weekend. My nephew married a cute little pixie and two of my online buds attended weddings too. Susie's daughter, Katy married Mike. And Lisa did a little isle walk (in her kicky new shoes) at her Uncle's wedding.

There was also a funeral. My hip/thigh/tummy girdle passed away in a sudden unexpected death. It was very tragic and I am trying to deal with the loss. And now - the fact that I actually have to go out in public and buy another one of the damn things. Oh - the horror.

Ok. I'll wait. Go ahead, get the image of my girdle exploding out of your head. I'm sorry to put you thru that.

Now. My nephews wedding. First, a pic of my nephew - his name is Max. Look at the pic and see if he reminds you of someone.

Am I the only one who sees it? Does he not look like Dave Navarro (carmen electra's hubby)? I mean - maybe Max is a little skinny but - I'm telling ya - in person.... he's the spitting image.

Anyway (still thinkin' about my girdle arent you?), the wedding was at a courthouse. Which was no biggie really, but it was soooo akward. First the handicapped parking was just awful. My inlaws are unable to really walk, one uses a walker and the other is wheelchair bound. Next, the courthouse had these steps (maybe 50) that you had to use to enter the building. There was a machine that would carry a handicapped person up the steps but we had to (along with two police officer/security guys) screw with it for like a half hour. In the heat.

Next, the brides family were kind of snooty. I know that I really shouldnt say that, or maybe there is a better way of saying it. I don't know. I do know that the phrase "sticks up their butts" was mentioned. I'm just saying.

I think/know they were just horrified to see our side - imagine the Dynasty family meeting up with the Clampetts. It was ugly. Not that anything was said to anybody. But the undertones in that room were running rampant.

Anyway, we are in the courtroom waiting on the judge. And the Mother of the bride (we'll call her Alexis) was looking for an electrical outlet for her camera. My hubby, being the sweet guy he is... helps her search. He finds one behind a bench on the back wall. Thing is that the bench is nailed to the floor and there is just a few inches between the wall and bench, getting back there is pretty impossible.

This is where it gets ugly.

Alexis walks away in search of a better outlet. Smart woman. I look over my shoulder and my 250 pound hubby has his arm clear down behind the bench telling me that "I can reach the outlet". I watch in horror as he goes to pull his arm out and ..... its stuck. He is stuck with his arm behind the bench. That is (oh god no) nailed to the floor. At first I laugh.

I'm not always the best wife.

Then - when I see that he is serious and his face is starting to turn red .... I do what generations of women in my family have always done.

I flip the hell out.

First, I'm trying to tear the bench away from the wall. This is probably where my girdle went into cardiac arrest. Noone is paying any attention to us. So, I think - chill. I calmly get my sister in-laws attention, quietly. I mean - for the love of God man - don't call attention to us. I mouth out the words "George is stuck". And in a voice I could only call BOOMING she yells "oh my gawd, George is stuck".

A silence fills the room. At least 70 sets of eyes are all looking at me and the hubby now. Flashbulbs are lighting, video cameras have finally found something worthy to tape. News crews are filling the room.

Ok, there were no news crews. But there might as well have been.

Anyway, Alexis says "what on earth is he doing". At this point I am having vivid, graphic visions of taking her head and shoving it down behind that bench with my DH's arm. I could make it fit. I just know it.

My SIL's boyfriend comes over and with sheer weight/strength helps me to move the bench out of the floor/wall just enough for my hubby to pull his purple swollen arm out. This guy saved the day.

We retreat to a corner of the room. Where we laugh our asses off. And wonder if we should call an attorney right now to see what our rights are when this video shows up on "America's Funniest Home Video's" and wins $100,000.

There was a bit of drama at the wedding reception too - but its just toooo much for me to explain. And I look a bit like an ass in the story so I'm keeping this one to myself.

Its my blog, man. I can make those decisions.

I do have a wonderful wedding pic that I will try to remember to post tomorrow. My niece also has a great picture of my hubby with his arm stuck behind the bench that I have begged her to send.

I just typed out the whole girdle story then remembered that there are a few guys that read my blog. Yeah - I see you there. And they are my friends. And ...they would be horrified over the whole girdle issue.

So. For the boys - I'll resist the gory, jaws of life details. Just this once.

But its a doozy.

So now - I'm home. Working on yet another arm warmer with a thumb gusset pattern. My own pattern - pray for me. I want one just like the ones Fluffa had a few months ago. I of course, would not be nearly as cool as her wearing them - but.... I still want em'.

So - what did you do this weekend?


At 1:14 AM, Blogger Donni said...

OH MY GAWD!!!! Well, what can I say - weddings all the world over seem to have some sort of drama attached....shall I tell you about my daughter when she was 2 1/2 and a flower girl and she got all nervous during the wedding....and did a wee all over my lap? Well I guess I just did.

Anyway I want 2 things - 1. the girdle story and 2. the pattern for the arm warmers....please?!

At 8:21 AM, Blogger LisaB said...

You cracked me up big time today. Oh I can just imagine the stuck arm and the mother of the bride being snotty when your DH was just trying to help her out. And I am soooo sorry about the exploding girdle. I think you should share the story though.... :)

At 9:17 AM, Blogger Laurie (Moo!) said...

Your poetic recount of the wedding had me laughing/crying.

Sounds like, at least, your side had a good time.

Poor girdle. Let us have a moment of silence......

Now, PLEASE tell us the rest of the story.

At 10:55 AM, Anonymous heather said...

Hoo Hoo Hoo! I love those kind of stories! Funneeee.
I had a similar incident this weekend to your girdle, with my bra.
Not good.
Thanks for the laugh! :)

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

1. I want to see the pic of your stuck hubby.

2. You must cough up the girdle story. Most of your readers are women and majority rules, right? :-)

At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Rox said...

Oh sure. Everybody wants to "hear" the girdle story but does anyone ask me for pictures of that?

Noooo. Sigh.

Gawd man, don't gimme any ideas.

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Donni said...


At 5:16 PM, Blogger Laura said...

See, this is why people crash weddings that they shouldn't be attending. Because they're so damn funny! (I mean, not that I've ever done that.)

At 5:38 PM, Blogger Yarngirl said...

Need the girdle story - absolutely - need we beg??? Thanks for the comments on the FBS - blogger does suck at times, and I've wondered why my comments replicate themselves - now I know it wasn't me!!

At 10:20 AM, Blogger Noeysmommy said...

I am so sorry to hear about your girdle. I took a moment of silence for you today!! Your nephew is hot!! (that sounds creepy coming from an old married lady, doesn't it?)

At 2:43 PM, Anonymous Susie said...

I haven't owned a girdle or anything like it since I ws freed back in the early '70s. I didn't even know they still made 'em! Now I *have* to hear this story...and find out where you get girdles, because at my exalted age and size, people who walk behind me would probably appreciate less jiggle...


At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Jan said...

Oh man! There's NO WAY I'd wear a girdle for ANY REASON!! I don't care how much I jiggle! I wore one in the late 60's and it was so incredibly uncomfy I just swore off the whole darned deal!!

But I WOULD like to hear your story!!! Hee hee!


At 3:02 PM, Blogger The Stitchin' Sheep said...

Thanks for sharing that story. That'll send me off to bed in a good mood - not to laugh at the misfortune/humiliation of others, but it was funny.

At 7:41 PM, Blogger Debi said...

OMG!! I just had a serious flashback to my brother's *first* wedding...snooty family (your Clampett description was priceless!!)break-in at the hotel during a 3 am fire alarm the night before, my crown falling out during flossing the morning of (perfect for Mammy Yokum wedding pics!) and the hunt for a dentist on a Sunday morning, and finally, a seizing bridesmaid during the ceremony!! In retrospect, makes yours seem rather tame, hmm? heheh :)


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